It's Time to Rebuild My Dream

Have you ever wanted something so bad? Something that made you rely all your hopes and your future dreams? Something you have always been whispering when you pray? And that something can change your life?

I have. I want a scholarship so bad.

My dream to study abroad was started when I was in senior high school. I forget who gave me the idea, but when somebody told us (senior high school students) to write out all of our dreams, one of my written dreams was: I want to study abroad. Yes, it was the beggining of how I built my dream.

And then I went to college. I had a very kind senior who always there to gave me direction, anything about college stuffs. She is an angel-like-friend to me. She was oftenly sparing her time to hear my questions about trivial things, even when she was so busy at the time. If I had a trouble, she prayed for me. Oh yeah, enough for introduction, I just want to tell that she is the one who gave me the link, I mean the website, to get into the Australia Development Scholarships (ADS). May God bless Ka Agnes, thats her name.

After that, sometimes I opened the ADS page to monitor the process and the related information. It still seemed impossible for me to get in, until one of my lecture shared her story about her struggles when she was applying for Australia scholarship. Well, she was not success, but she brought the spirit to me. The spirit of struggling and the confidence for trying.

Then my hope was growing everyday. I had a strong desire to apply for the scholarship. I really had. Not everyday but I was thinking a lot about this. If some times ago it still seemed impossible, after I read and read continuously about the qualifications, criteria, documents needed, it became something possible. I thought I could make it. I also consulted with my friend, Esti, who had the same desire regarding scholarships, especially ADS. When we talked about it many times, ADS became so real and reachable.

When I finished my college in 2012, I can't wait to apply for AAS (the name changed from Australia Development Scholarships to Australia Awards Scholarships). But it was too late to apply at that moment, and I have to wait a year to apply because application is open once a year. 

But one year was enough for me to prepare all the required documents. I studied and took TOEFL test. My score was good, above the require standard. I prepared all the documents with all my heart, I did it very carefully. So did the application form. My application form was edited by 5 people: 3 Doctors and 2 AAS last year's awardees. Those might explain how I prepare my application to be the best applicant, and to pass the selection process.

When I pray, I never forget to put in AAS as one of my wishlist. I also asked some relatives to pray for me too. Maybe AAS had become my built dream, that I raised everyday with efforts, prayers, and hopes. And my hope was too great that made me convince that my application would be accepted to the next selection process.

But the answer is NO. I was neither included in the 900 shortlisted candidates of Indonesia, nor the 76 of NTT.

Wow, but why no? I thought I deserved that. My TOEFL score, my application form, the requirements, I prepared all of them perfectly. What I have to do now?

I was so shocked and confused. I thought about how my dream about AAS has brought me this far. To my job now, to where I live now. But now what?

It took at least a week to for me to admit this with a peace in my heart. Maybe it’s not the time (yet)? Or marbe this scholarship is not for me. Maybe I should stay in NTT longer.

This is not a hopeless story. I’m not giving up.

I don't feel like I've been wasting time for build my dream. I have a spirit because of my dream.
If now my dream can’t be real, I say : ‘It’s time to rebuild my dream.’

Maybe I will build a greater dream. I’m still thinking about it. If so, I need more hopes, prayers, and hard work. I won't stop working and sruggling.

Lets start again with a new hope :)

Makan

Apakah kita sadar kita orang yang sangat beruntung saat kita bisa makan dengan cukup hari ini?

Makan bagi saya adalah mekanisme input energi yang bisa sangat menyenangkan, tergantung menu dan suasana (termasuk dengan siapa kita makan.hehe). Saya ditengah keterbatasan yang ada masih bisa pilih-pilih mau makan apa hari ini. Terkadang masih bisa pilih-pilih mau makan dimana hari ini.

Saya jenis orang yang sering sekali menyisakan dan akhirnya membuang makanan. ini buruk, saya tahu. Tapi seringnya begitu. Entah porsi kebanyakan, atau karena tidak nafsu makan, bisa juga karena makanan nya kurang cocok di lidah saya.

Bercerita tentang makan, saya punya cerita sederhana yang semoga membuat saya dan kita menjadi lebih bersyukur lagi saat makan.

Ceritanya pada hari Minggu, 6 Oktober 2013 mama saya mengajak saya ke acara syukuran sidi baru di SLB (Sekolah Luar Biasa) di Nunumeu, Soe. Ada sekitar 10 orang anggota sekolah luar biasa yang ditahbiskan sebagai anggota sidi baru. Mama diundang ke acara tersebut karena meskipun tidak sering, tapi mama beberapa kali berkunjung kesana.

Sekolah ini beranggotakan puluhan anak (saya tak tahu pasti) dengan cacat mental maupun fisik. Ada asramanya juga. Yang menjadi orang tua sekian puluh anak ini adalah seorang mama tangguh yang tidak menikah, bernama Mama Mia. Bayangkan menjadi mama bagi beberapa anak saja repot, apalagi sang Mama Mia ini, menjadi mama bagi puluhan anak yang bukan anak kandungnya sendiri, pun dengan bermacam keterbatasannya sendiri-sendiri. Anak-anak ini ada yang dititipkan orang tua, namun dengan kondisi ekonomi lemah.

Jadilah asrama anak-anak ini sangat bergantung dari para donor. Sampai saat ini, rupanya ada saja yang datang memberi perpuluhan atau bahan makanan, atau sumbangan baju dan sebagainya.

Kembali ke acara syukuran, saya, mama, dan papa pergi menghadiri acara tersebut. Sesampainya disana, acara sudah dimulai dan pendeta sementara berkhotbah. selesai khotbah, acara dilanjutkan dengan sambutan Mama Mia serta ucapan terima kasih beliau kepada seluruh undangan. Beliau cerita sedikit tentang panggilannya untuk melayani anak-anak cacat sejak masih muda dulu. Ceritanya tidak begitu mengharukan karena memang ada unsur sedihnya, namun beliau menceritakan hal tersebut dengan penuh ketegaran, sehingga tak membuat saya sedih.

Lalu setelah Mama Mia selesai bicara, seorang anak anggota asrama yang hari itu juga sidi dipersilahkan membagikan ceritanya.

Anak ini ada sedikit gangguan dengan saraf di bagian matanya. Melihat dia maju untuk berbicara saja sudah membuat saya sedih. Martha Soleh namanya. Dia bercerita tentang Mama Mia yang adalah seorang yang takut akan Tuhan, demikian juga anak-anak yang tinggal disana. Dan inilah kalimat yang keluar dari mulutnya yang sukses membuat saya menangis:

‘Kalau kami tidak ada beras, kami berdoa, nanti Tuhan kirim orang yang punya berkat’.

Betapa untuk beras saja anak-anak yang ‘kurang beruntung’ ini harus berkumpul dan berdoa minta Tuhan mencurahkan berkatnya atas mereka. Betapa ada orang-orang yang malam ini tidur dengan suatu ketidakpastian apakah besok ada makanan atau tidak.

Lalu betapa jahatnya kalau saya dan teman-teman yang secara fisik, mental, bahkan ekonomi diberkati dengan kebaikan dan kecukupan masih saja tidak bersyukur saat bisa makan dengan cukup hari ini. Bisa pilih-pilih pula.

Saat menghadapi hidangan kita hari ini, baiklah kita bersyukur dengan tulus pada Tuhan, dan berdoa untuk mereka yang kekurangan makanan.