It's Time to Rebuild My Dream

Have you ever wanted something so bad? Something that made you rely all your hopes and your future dreams? Something you have always been whispering when you pray? And that something can change your life?

I have. I want a scholarship so bad.

My dream to study abroad was started when I was in senior high school. I forget who gave me the idea, but when somebody told us (senior high school students) to write out all of our dreams, one of my written dreams was: I want to study abroad. Yes, it was the beggining of how I built my dream.

And then I went to college. I had a very kind senior who always there to gave me direction, anything about college stuffs. She is an angel-like-friend to me. She was oftenly sparing her time to hear my questions about trivial things, even when she was so busy at the time. If I had a trouble, she prayed for me. Oh yeah, enough for introduction, I just want to tell that she is the one who gave me the link, I mean the website, to get into the Australia Development Scholarships (ADS). May God bless Ka Agnes, thats her name.

After that, sometimes I opened the ADS page to monitor the process and the related information. It still seemed impossible for me to get in, until one of my lecture shared her story about her struggles when she was applying for Australia scholarship. Well, she was not success, but she brought the spirit to me. The spirit of struggling and the confidence for trying.

Then my hope was growing everyday. I had a strong desire to apply for the scholarship. I really had. Not everyday but I was thinking a lot about this. If some times ago it still seemed impossible, after I read and read continuously about the qualifications, criteria, documents needed, it became something possible. I thought I could make it. I also consulted with my friend, Esti, who had the same desire regarding scholarships, especially ADS. When we talked about it many times, ADS became so real and reachable.

When I finished my college in 2012, I can't wait to apply for AAS (the name changed from Australia Development Scholarships to Australia Awards Scholarships). But it was too late to apply at that moment, and I have to wait a year to apply because application is open once a year. 

But one year was enough for me to prepare all the required documents. I studied and took TOEFL test. My score was good, above the require standard. I prepared all the documents with all my heart, I did it very carefully. So did the application form. My application form was edited by 5 people: 3 Doctors and 2 AAS last year's awardees. Those might explain how I prepare my application to be the best applicant, and to pass the selection process.

When I pray, I never forget to put in AAS as one of my wishlist. I also asked some relatives to pray for me too. Maybe AAS had become my built dream, that I raised everyday with efforts, prayers, and hopes. And my hope was too great that made me convince that my application would be accepted to the next selection process.

But the answer is NO. I was neither included in the 900 shortlisted candidates of Indonesia, nor the 76 of NTT.

Wow, but why no? I thought I deserved that. My TOEFL score, my application form, the requirements, I prepared all of them perfectly. What I have to do now?

I was so shocked and confused. I thought about how my dream about AAS has brought me this far. To my job now, to where I live now. But now what?

It took at least a week to for me to admit this with a peace in my heart. Maybe it’s not the time (yet)? Or marbe this scholarship is not for me. Maybe I should stay in NTT longer.

This is not a hopeless story. I’m not giving up.

I don't feel like I've been wasting time for build my dream. I have a spirit because of my dream.
If now my dream can’t be real, I say : ‘It’s time to rebuild my dream.’

Maybe I will build a greater dream. I’m still thinking about it. If so, I need more hopes, prayers, and hard work. I won't stop working and sruggling.

Lets start again with a new hope :)