Meant to Be

Exactly 3 years ago I said, "Everything Falls Into Place". Everything seemed to be aligned to where they were supposed to be. When I had that feeling, I knew that what was left for me to do was to play my part. No fear or doubt, as the things were aligning into something I knew as "my path". It didn't mean that at that point I knew what would happen the next day, month, let alone year(s). It just felt right, it felt empowering knowing we were somehow on the right track, such that all the then-existing countless confusion disappeared into the air. 

But again life is full of mystery. Three years later (now), I am standing here on the brink of changes, questioning what will happen next, waiting for the "everything falls into place" enlightenment come strike me once again. I guess I am still in the "confused" stage, and that is part of this change cycle, and I am here, patiently (or not) waiting for my path to re-aligned.

What I know for sure is that there has been so much change happening these past three years, so much so that when I compare myself to my 3 years younger self, the contrast is like night and day. It feels like the brain cells got into the re-birth cycle. Not just me, I've also been witnessing the changes that my son and my husband are going through and the dynamics of our relationship. And for all that we've been through in "just" three years' time, I'm in awe, once again, of how this life works.

So if the changes happen all the time, why is there something called Big Change or New Chapter? I don't know for sure. But those small changes have gently been pushing me into a new realm of where I should be, or where our family is heading. I couldn't ask myself whether or not we're ready for the next chapter because all the previous micro sub-chapters could or should be seen as a preparatory exercise (while completing their mini cycles) for the next step, no matter how big or small the next field would be.

What I could do to comfort my anxious breath is to imagine myself being open to possibilities and opportunities ahead. Just as three years back then life was cycling up unpredictably yet filled with so much growth and bringing me closer to where I should and need to be, so would the next couple of years be. And as life is unveiling its mystery(ies), I might need to focus on my plate today. No matter how this life might change later on, this moment is all I've got. I'm off to sleep now, and although it's a bit late of a night, tomorrow morning if I wake up, I'll try to appreciate my life and my family a little deeper. 

It is weird, we feel that change is going to happen, in fact, changes happen even when we're not aware of them, yet every day we wake up to our seemingly ever the same consciousness. Life is so mighty and full of mystery, yet made out of simple things.

Bloceh (Blog Ngoceh) #5 - Di Simpang Hidup

Kembali lagi Bun akhirnya kita nge-blog, lamanyaa, ngapain aja Bun?

Begini Bun, hidup kalau sudah memasuki Juli-November itu bukan sekedar berlari atau terbang ya, hidup kayak ber-teleportasi Bun, swinggggg, Juli-November hanya dalam kedipan mata (slow motion tapi ehehe). Mungkin karena masa Juli-November itu banyak sekali tuntutan pekerjaan dan intensitas yang sedang tinggi-tingginya mengejar target kehidupan yang dibuat sendiri untuk bisa hidup lalu mengeluh karena kecapekan (apaan Bun), jam kehidupan seperti bergerak lebih cepat. Dan, sudah akhir tahun saja, kalau di SoE, orang sudah sibuk acara natalan setiap hari sampai pertengahan bulan Januari :D.

Sebenarnya akhir tahun ini punya cerita tersendiri. Seperti berada di simpang kehidupan, mau ke mana setelah ini? Memangnya ada pilihan? Sebenarnya ada beberapa opsi di waktu yang akan datang. Kalau status quo saja, sebenarnya hidup sudah cukup terpetakan hingga akhir 2024 atau bahkan akhir 2025. Tapi seperti biasa, otak kita ini sepertinya eksis dengan berbagai pertanyaan-pertanyaan pemantik (macam seminar-seminar jaman now, ada pemantik diskusi wkwk). Kayak gini: Bun, inikah hidup yang engkau inginkan? inikah panggilan hidupmu? di kota inikah kamu akan berakar? dengan orang-orang inikah kamu akan habiskan masa produktifmu? di sekolah inikah anakmu akan terus belajar? di lingkungan inikah kamu akan habiskan umurmu? kemana suamimu ingin menetap? dst dll dsb ampyun pusing ga Bun dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang dibuat otak sendiri untuk memusingkan otak yang sama juga? tsk

Sebenarnya setahun yang lalu jawaban-jawaban ini akan sangat mudah di jawab. Tapi sejak sekitar bulan Maret dan April tahun ini, ada beberapa opsi jawaban yang berseliweran di pikiran saya, membuat saya mempertanyakan kembali dan membuat pilihan-pilihan berganda yang memusingkan kembali, padahal tidak ada jawaban yang salah. Apakah benar ada yang namanya "Garis Tangan?". Selama ini saya penganut "kita tentukan kemana garis kehidupan kita sendiri dengan pilihan-pilihan kita". Tapi kalau keadaan sedikit lebih rumit seperti ini saya maunya pergi ke "orang pintar", primbon jawa, Tim Doa, atau apalah itu mencari wangsit saja hehee. Dasar homo oportunistikans. 

Sebaiknya paragraf terakhir diakhiri dengan sedikit nada optimis, bahwa kadang kita perlu menunggu sampai waktu yang tepat mengungkap misteri-misteri hidup sampai kita bisa bilang "ohhh ya ternyata memang ini jalannya", kalau sudah ada di jalan itu. Apa yang memang untuk kita tidak akan tergantikan, selama kita jujur pada diri sendiri. Baiklah, homo si paling sapiens! Tsk. Untuk sekarang Bun, marilah kita berlatih "singing and dancing and ngopi-ngopi cantik along all the uncertainties". Let's reveal all the options and see which one really belongs to us or chosen for us, keep on catching your fish as if those fish were meant to be yours. Apaan ya Bun? makin bingung? Ngopi dulu mungkin :D